Some say luck doesn't exist but...whatever...the word exists, so may as well use it.

I came back from lifegroups @ Liesl's around 15 mins ago...and the theme/topic for this term is love, as some of you may have already known. We were talking about desires...like how do we know if the "desires"/wants we have are ours or from God? That topic's a bit confusing for me...as I'm struggling to develop my faith and relationship with God. I feel like Mr Murphy. The more I know, the more I think about...the more I get confused. I, more like everyone, have so many questions that need to be answered...people say that God speaks to them. I want that. I want to hear His voice. But...I'm lacking something, and I don't know what.

-----------------------------------------

I know this...and many have told me this countless times. I stress too much. I can't blame anyone but myself. There's just something that stops me from being optimistic. I over-think too much. At the moment, I'm stressing about my oral skills. Tonight, one of my friends told me that I'm easy to talk to...but that's only if I know them/you well. That's obviously the same for everyone, right? I just wish I could have that courage, that skill that many people have. To be able to speak with my head up, to be able to make eye contact with my peers. I can't even look at my classmates properly when speaking. I get self-conscious. I think that may have came from how I was isolated at my old school.

Now that I think about it...I had a few friends within my class (only one class per grade) but then...at some point, I had no friends and so I somehow made friends with students in the lower year levels. I never really cared how I looked when I was young...hence the oval glasses. Until...I reached year seven. I felt the need to change in order to be proud of who I was, what I looked like, to be confident. I'm still working on that.

I think about...how I could get hypnotized...to be able to speak to people, in front of people. There are many things I want to change about myself...but, should I be grateful with the way I am now? Most times I think I make people feel awkward...when I talk to someone, and we reach to the point where we struggle to find something to talk about...sometimes, the person I was speaking to just walks off. I don't feel hurt...I just feel helpless and ashamed of myself. To not be able to just stand out and be myself. To be a bomb. To explode and just let everything out. That adrenalin feeling.

The day I moved Chinese schools to GWSC's XJS...only one person actually made me feel welcomed...but they had other friends to talk to. I know no one from my class. I feel pressured...that my teacher speaks absolutely in full Chinese...and that I only get some of what she's saying. I wondered if everyone, EVERYONE understood her 100% and that I was the ONLY one who didn't. In year seven Chinese at GWSC on Saturdays...I had no friends. I had only recess to feel secured. I just wish I could be an outgoing person all the time...like that time I took the courage to be the first one to speak to the new kid in 2008.

Useless little me.

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Some say luck doesn't exist but...whatever...the word exists, so may as well use it.

I came back from lifegroups @ Liesl's around 15 mins ago...and the theme/topic for this term is love, as some of you may have already known. We were talking about desires...like how do we know if the "desires"/wants we have are ours or from God? That topic's a bit confusing for me...as I'm struggling to develop my faith and relationship with God. I feel like Mr Murphy. The more I know, the more I think about...the more I get confused. I, more like everyone, have so many questions that need to be answered...people say that God speaks to them. I want that. I want to hear His voice. But...I'm lacking something, and I don't know what.

-----------------------------------------

I know this...and many have told me this countless times. I stress too much. I can't blame anyone but myself. There's just something that stops me from being optimistic. I over-think too much. At the moment, I'm stressing about my oral skills. Tonight, one of my friends told me that I'm easy to talk to...but that's only if I know them/you well. That's obviously the same for everyone, right? I just wish I could have that courage, that skill that many people have. To be able to speak with my head up, to be able to make eye contact with my peers. I can't even look at my classmates properly when speaking. I get self-conscious. I think that may have came from how I was isolated at my old school.

Now that I think about it...I had a few friends within my class (only one class per grade) but then...at some point, I had no friends and so I somehow made friends with students in the lower year levels. I never really cared how I looked when I was young...hence the oval glasses. Until...I reached year seven. I felt the need to change in order to be proud of who I was, what I looked like, to be confident. I'm still working on that.

I think about...how I could get hypnotized...to be able to speak to people, in front of people. There are many things I want to change about myself...but, should I be grateful with the way I am now? Most times I think I make people feel awkward...when I talk to someone, and we reach to the point where we struggle to find something to talk about...sometimes, the person I was speaking to just walks off. I don't feel hurt...I just feel helpless and ashamed of myself. To not be able to just stand out and be myself. To be a bomb. To explode and just let everything out. That adrenalin feeling.

The day I moved Chinese schools to GWSC's XJS...only one person actually made me feel welcomed...but they had other friends to talk to. I know no one from my class. I feel pressured...that my teacher speaks absolutely in full Chinese...and that I only get some of what she's saying. I wondered if everyone, EVERYONE understood her 100% and that I was the ONLY one who didn't. In year seven Chinese at GWSC on Saturdays...I had no friends. I had only recess to feel secured. I just wish I could be an outgoing person all the time...like that time I took the courage to be the first one to speak to the new kid in 2008.

Useless little me.